See that guy back there? That’s a red flag.Those posters? Red flag. My friend Sara? Not a red flag.
Someone, I think it was a gentleman named Robin, wanted to know if I could write about spotting those elusive red flags that eventually destroy a relationship.
Some of these are obvious to everyone but you. Like maybe your new boyfriends eats live lizards and calls everyone “Mommy.” That’s a red flag. Sometimes you notice this behavior but you justify it. “Lizards have LOTS of protein you guys.” Suuuure.
Let’s talk about the subtle ones.
Is your new partner forthcoming with you? When you ask them about their job history or their family, do they suddenly get quiet and stare off into the distance and say, “Sometimes the lone star is the one that shines brightest.”? Or maybe they’ll say something like, “Yeah I did stuff and my family exists.” Both of those answers suck. You don’t need their work resume or their family tree, but something like, “I used to work in fashion and have a brother named Jeff and my parents are dead” is just fine.
Do they freak out if you ask to use their computer or phone? Some people don’t like other people to touch their things, fine. But do they try to hide these objects from you? When you’re out in public and their phone rings, do they give it a worried look and then when you ask them, “What’s wrong?” they say, “Oh nothing, it’s just my parents” and you’re like, “Your parents are dead” and they’re like, “Yeah, iPhones suck, right?” What is it that they don’t want you to see? If it’s their laptop it’s probably porn, and that’s okay. Just because someone looks at porn doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or don’t want to be with you. It’s nothing to freak out about, unless it gets to the point where it interferes with your daily routine lives.
They mention their ex constantly. If you ask them about their last relationship, you’re going to want to hear something like, “My last relationship was a year ago. Great guy, no bitterness, it just didn’t work out because of long distance/wanting different things/they got really ugly” or whatever. What you don’t want to hear is this story when you didn’t even ask. What you don’t want to hear is, “Hey, what do you want on your pizza?” and the response is, “My ex Rachel loved pepperoni so no pepperoni because Rachel would eat it all the time and I don’t like Rachel, I mean pepperoni.” If they mention their ex more than, say, 3 times in your first week of dating, they’re probably not ready to date.
They ask to borrow money/things and never pay them/give them back. People forget, that happens. But if you gently remind them and they say you’ll get it in __ amount of days and you don’t and they never bring it up again, that is not cool. Money ruins relationships of all kinds. Maybe you guys do a thing where one of you pays for drinks and then the next time the other one does, or whatever kind of casual thing, and that’s okay. That’s very different from, “Hey babe can I borrow three hundred dollars?” and then they disappear for a month and never bring it up again. That’s spooky. Often this starts out innocently enough with, “Can you buy this gum for me, is that cool?” but it can end with, “Baby I sold your Lexus, is that cool?” It is not cool, Charles. Not cool.
They only call you late at night to “hang out.” They don’t call you to hang out during the day, or invite you to public places, or to meet their friends. Unless they are a vampire, one of those “True Blood” vampires not the “Twilight” vampires, then this basically means that they want you for sex and nothing else. Nothing is going to come from this. I’m sure you heard stories about how, “My friend Chelsea’s friend Sarah started seeing this guy Zach and his brother Franco started seeing her and it was strictly a friends with benefits thing but now they’re married and living in Milan!” No. No. Sit down. Stop giving us hope that this will ever happen. This might happen if you start out as friends. Because at least there is something to build on. But the chances of this turning into something real, of this person actually caring about you when you’re not in their apartment at 3 Am, is about 3%.
I’m sure there are plenty more. What are your red flags?
Ugh my own personal red flag shame: http://www.guidetomenhattan.com/2011/03/falling-off-cgs-wagon.html (which only got better when he found the blog through a mutual friend! my life rules!)
Your blog is so cute and HEY EVERYONE, READ HER RED FLAG POST, IT’S BETTER THAN MINE! CLICK ON HER LINK!
The extreme moodiness + extreme hotness.
When your beefy man is having major mood swings from extremely sweet and playful to super bummed, its tempting to rationalize they’re just sensitive when their 8 pack and curvy arms melt you. But its steroids, and you’re about to be dating a complete train wreck.
…they say, “Oh nothing, it’s just my parents” and you’re like, “Your parents are dead” and they’re like, “Yeah, iPhones suck, right?”
HAHAHAHA
Those dang iPhones! So many glitches, like apps crashing and low battery power, and channeling my dead grandma, and the new update didn’t even fix ANY of these things.
They grab your boob because they “just wanted to see you smile.” Yes this really did happen.
Oh and no I didn’t smile. I kicked his ass out the door.
Oh my God WHAT??? Who, what, I can’t even—-
When they tell you that you’re so beautiful and sexy and such a wonderful person and they love you so much that they need you in their life and wouldn’t know what to do without you. And that they don’t want a relationship.
Porn on laptops. Dead on. Not a big deal. There’s porn on your laptop, there’s porn on my laptop. There’s weirder porn on your laptop. Whatever. Don’t care.
Major red flag, he won’t stay over, you’ve never been to his place. Major. Red. Flag.
I want to see a post about red flags for women. The crazy flag, as my friend Josh likes to call it.
Ok, the woman’s red flag. Two possibilities. Pretty basic. It goes like this:
#1:
“what’s wrong?”
“nothing.”
“I can tell something’s wrong. Talk to me.”
“If you don’t already know, I’m not gonna help you figure it out.”
Red flag on communication. Communication being possibly the most important thing in any relationship. Red flag on communication is a big time red flag.
#2:
woman’s red flag –
insert crude joke about a woman’s menstrual cycle here.
Everything in this post can apply to either gender.
The Internet is for porn!
Jealousy is a big red flag for me… and it goes both ways. If you’re a sane person then you’re not doing things to intentionally make your significant other jealous. And if your significant other is sane then they won’t be jealous without cause. The real problem with the crazy-type jealousy, in my experience at least, is that it’s related to a whole slew of other pain-in-the-ass tendencies like chronically low self esteem, inferiority complex, inability to trust, control-freakiness, blah blah et cetera. Being with someone who’s always assuming the worst about you and making their shortcomings into your problem? NO THANKS.
Agreed. I could write a whole blog post on this and jealousy in general!
People think that you’re his sister. Red. Flag.
Ouch. Did this happen to you?
Yes. All. The. Time.
ha! those true blood vampires and not those inferior twilight ones lol
thanks for the tips – i’m def guilty of making excuses for all them red flag boys
Did you see the SNL Red Flag perfume commercial from last week? http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/red-flag/1358178 They should definitely do a cologne next…
red flag: guy seems great, sweet, genuine and your dating…say for a month and now you are officially an item. Then on your birthday, which is also the day you become “facebook official” he gets a phone call from a girl he “used to” sleep with and still works with at his traveling job…(which by the way is red flag # 2..if the person has a job where they are traveling constantly they are bound to cheat) saying that she is 3 months pregnant and has to have an abortion or else she is going to die.all lies. then 3-months-later-too-long you find out you are friends with at least 3 people he has slept with prior to your relationship… this person has slut baggage, clearly . he is a slut. red flag. don’t give it a chance. it’s doomed. happy turkey day!
My current red flag is “they make a lot of unnecessary physical contact with you, and flirt, and play with your hair, and smile with their big doe eyes, but then never call you”. It’s a huge, huge flag, and it makes me sad. But this post made me laugh! So thanks for that. 😉
I’m glad I could help make you laugh!
I think in my last relationship (which lasted four years) the biggest red flag would be the last one. She always wanted to “come over” and never wanted to go out. I did want to go out because she was a fun person. I love social stuff like going to the Seminole Hard Rock or to South Beach, but all she wanted in the last leg of our relationship was sex. I like sex, don’t get me wrong, but not ALL THE DAMN TIME!!! It has to be special. You gotta simmer the juices, get in the right mood for it. I can’t just whip it out and start making pelvic thrusts at your general direction.
And with that, I’m invoking “talking about my ex.” Yikes.
Pingback: What Are Your Red Flags? | The College Crush
Definitely refusal to hang out with your friends. The Spice Girls had it right when they said “if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Huge red flag. Also, if a guy isn’t close with his family and you are, that’s a huge red flag. If he refuses to meet your parents because he has mommy and daddy issues, that’s a red flag. If he says he’s over working jobs that aren’t acting, but he never books acting jobs (only in LA…ugh) that is a HUGE red flag because ummm…I don’t want to support my boyfriend. Let’s seeee… he never accepts blame, or blames everything on you even if it’s completely illogical, i.e. I missed my audition not because I am lazy but because we got in a fight 3 days ago and my mojo was off. He expects you to do all the cooking and cleaning even though you work 10 hour days and he doesn’t have a job. Those are all red flags. I have more, but I’m tired. Wow this post is from FOREVER ago! I just realized that!
The biggest Red Flag for me is when the interests don’t match. Opposites attract and all that. But it only last for some time. After that the common interests define the time we spend together. So for me particularly, when my partner says, (while I am listening to a Pixies song), “Why is the guy so moody? He screams suddenly!”, I know where this is heading. The surest sign I got was when the girl said, looking at an image of an Oscar statuette, “What is that?”,