Stood Up? Stare Down.

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“The fact that you’re not answering leads me to believe you’re either (a) not at home, (b) home but don’t want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy.” — When Harry Met Sally

Last night I got stood up. To quote the Clash song that I’ve posted on this blog at least twice:

I’ve been beat up. I’ve been thrown out.
But I’m not down. I’m not down.

OK Honestly, I’m a little down. But what does one do when one is stood up? One finds other plans, has fun, and then gets Taco Bell at 2 AM. This is the sacred ritual of the single. This is what I did. I sent out a mass text to all of my friends and “etcs” letting them know of my sad fate in hopes that someone would rescue me. A few people did. I chose a guy. I got very drunk. I went to a gay bar. I told pretty much everyone within my general vicinity that I was stood up. And yes, I ate the Taco Bell at the end of the night. I ordered a #5 because 5 is my favorite number. I didn’t even look at what it was.

Turns out #5 is nachos and a taco.

See how much we’re learning?

I’m sure the gentleman had very good reason for standing me up. Perhaps he was eaten by sharks. I find it entirely plausible that in Los Angeles at around 8 at night someone decided to go swimming in the ocean and was eaten by sharks. That happens everyday. It’s just not widely reported.

The thing is, I don’t think this [by which I mean getting stood up] happens to anyone but me. Just because that’s just my life. My life is one long series of unfortunate events but without the clever orphans. However, if you find yourself stood up, here are my suggestions:

— Call and/or text your girlfriends. They will suggest something like, “Let’s go to Pinkberry” or at least offer their condolences.

— Get out of the house. It doesn’t matter if all you do is go to Starbucks and get an iced tall skinny vanilla latte; just get out.

— Eat and/or drink something delicious. Just because.

— Find another boy (or girl) to get with. But don’t do this if it’s going to lower your self-worth. Do it because you want to have fun. If the guy is notoriously afraid of commitment and you’re hoping to be the Rory Gilmore to whoever it is that bitch wound up with in the final season, then STEER CLEAR GURL.

— Email me! Really! I’m addicted to my iphone! I always check my email! Even when people beg me not to! ESPECIALLY when people beg me not to!

— And finally, listen to these songs:

Gaston — Beauty and the Beast film cast
Stop Your Sobbing — Pretenders
Womanizer — Britney
Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) — Beyonce
Get Over It — OK Go
Tears Dry On Their Own — Amy Winehouse
Hot N Cold — Katy Perry
Girl Don’t Come — Sandie Shaw

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