Category Archives: i don’t even know

If I Had the Chance

Sep
30
2009

Hey you. Thanks for meeting me here. Have a seat. No, not that seat. Don’t sit there. I swear to God if you sit there I will stab you in the throat. Oh, that seat? Yeah, that’s fine, you can sit there. I was kidding anyway.

I was thrilled to get your invitation. I can only assume that you’re bringing me here to tell me that those photos of you with that girl on facebook mean nothing. Yeah, I saw the ones of you in that canal in Venice. I guess it was very romantic but I’ve been in those canals and they smell like a house full of dumptrucks. Ok, fine, they don’t. I was just saying that because I felt like hurting you. Oh, that didn’t hurt you? Well yeah, I guess it wouldn’t. It’s not like you invented those canals. That was DaVinci. What? You’re pretty sure it’s not? Huh, that’s funny, which one of us went to college? Me.

I’m sorry. That was really, really mean.

Anyway you look well. I mean look at you, you’re fucking beautiful. You know it, I know it, that goddamn chair knows it. Look, I have no problem with the chair. It was a joke. This is great wine.

I just wanted to say that if you had a girlfriend you could have just told me. I wouldn’t have been hurt. It’s only now, after all this time of feeling like I’m in a cave with a single lit match, that I’m hurt. Oh, what I meant about the cave thing was that you left me in the dark. Yeah, that’s all I meant. No, I wasn’t implying that the match was burning my fingers. That’s dumb. That doesn’t make any sense. You’re an idiot.

I’m sorry, that was mean.

I’m just getting sick of this. All of this, stuff that you can’t even be held accountable for. I’m just getting sick of never being the girlfriend. I am always the girl on the way to the girlfriend. I’m Goodluck Chuck.

I am never the girl in photos.

What do I mean by that? Well, after a guy disappears from my life, lo and behold I see him on facebook with a new girl. They may not have even declared their relationship but it’s obvious. I always wonder, why isn’t that girl me? And usually I’m much more photogenic than these girls. I’m sorry if that shocks or upsets you but it’s true. But no guy ever wants to take photos of me and put them on facebook. No guy wants to have a photo tagged of us, of his arm slung around me, smiling at me with pure adoration. They save that for the girl after me. I am the girl the guy doesn’t show off.

This is what I mean when I say, I am never the girl in photos.

It’s OK, I’m fine now, I have Sven. Oh? Sven is my boyfriend. He looks like the guy in a 1960s ad for cigarettes. Sometimes. Other days he looks like a British guitar player. Sven isn’t exactly what you would call…real. Yeah, he’s my imaginary boyfriend. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Stop giving me a weird pity look. It’s fine. Really! Look, pretend I didn’t say anything. I was kidding. I was 80% kidding. Don’t worry about the 20%.

Never worry about the 20%.

Half of me wants to throw this drink in your face and the other half wants to kiss you. So what the hell am I supposed to do now? This is good wine, I don’t know if I should waste it on your face. Your beautiful, beautiful face.

I tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna buck up. I’m going to stop looking at your facebook photos. I’m going to have to leave my iphone at home. I’m going to be the strong person that is hidden somewhere inside me, like a grape in a goat. Shh, I’m not done. I’m going to admit that I am the cliche who doesn’t feel validated unless it’s from a guy. But I’m going to be fine. I’m going to make videos and put them on this blog (really, I will). I’m going to keep writing. I’m going to get cast as a co-star in something.

I will realize that you are not everything I think you are.

And I’ll even pick up the check for this.

I’m just going to go to the bathroom first. I am definitely not going to slip out the back. Really. I’m not going to leave my credit card here at the table though because I…need it…in the bathroom. Yeah. I’m just going to be right back. I’m not not leaving forever.

Sike.

She’s Not Me — Madonna
Hello Stranger — Barbara Lewis
How To Quit — Sam Phillips
I’m Not Down — The Clash
Bloody Motherfuckin Asshole — Martha Wainwright
Ring Of Fire — Amanda Jo Williams
Brown Eyes — Lady GaGa
If You Close The Door — The Velvet Underground

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Boats Against The Current

Sep
19
2009
Firstly, Happy Jew Year! Even if you’re not Jewish use this as a chance to start anew. Lastly, can you guess which famous novel this title references? I know what you’re thinking: what happened to secondly, thirdly, et cetera? Answer: Life is too short, just cut to lastly. That’s really all you need. First and last.

When it comes to men I am unconventional. Were I given the opportunity to have one celebrity of my choosing I would pick Paul McCartney, pants down. None of these teenaged/20 aged vampires for me. I want a real legend. I want someone real someone so wonderful that you almost wonder if they actually ARE real. I mean has anyone actually met Paul McCartney? Maybe he’s just a computer. WHY DO YOU THINK THE BEATLES NAMED THEIR COMPANY APPLE? Pick up your mind, because I just blew it all over the place.

One man I’ve always harbored not-so-secret feelings for is Quentin Tarantino. Personally I think Pulp Fiction is his only great movie; the rest are lovely and mediocre. I haven’t seen Inglorious Basterds yet and I don’t plan to and here’s why and it’s probably silly of me but I’m uncomfortable seeing Jews act like Nazis. I get that the Jews are punishing Nazis and that theoretically that should be a great wonderful thing but the idea doesn’t sit well with me. I guess I’m just the biggest stick in the mud that there is.

But I love Quentin Tarantino’s bizarre face. His features are the complete opposite of perfection. His ego is a few notches below Kanye West’s (though to be fair I do love Kanye so maybe ego is an attractive thing to me in a man). He’s not an ideal heartthrob. But I love the way Tarantino talks and behaves. He’s like the Animal Muppet but with a vocabulary beyond “ANIMALLLLL!” Don’t get me wrong; were Tarantino still a video store clerk I would want nothing to do with him. I can admit that. But he’s not a video store clerk; he’s a director of some very cool, very famous, very big films. Pulp Fiction! Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta, walking around, talking about burgers all the time. That’s good stuff.

Recently I finished a casting workshop for the casting director of a new/old TV show. In this workshop, during the first week, we were assigned in pairs to do scenes. My partner was a really nice, really funny guy who nailed the scene. We nailed it together, Maxwell Hammer style, bang bang. As we were rehearsing I found myself becoming attracted to this guy, despite his lack of extreme thinness or other hipster quality. At the end of the night I realized why.

He kind of looked like Quentin Tarantino.

It’s not like you would ever mistake him for the fast talking large headed director but there was a shadow of a resemblance and that was enough for me. Did you ever meet someone who looked like a good friend of yours and you treated them as such? You felt like you had known them forever. But it’s based purely on physical or behavioral attributes. This is what happened to me.

In conclusion, guy I did this workshop with, find me and email me.

If you haven’t been completely insulted by this point. Because I think the whole Tarantino thing is a compliment. And you’re more attractive, I swear. Though I think T is hot to begin with.

I’ll just stop.

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Just Breathe.

Sep
14
2009


I wasn’t kidding a few posts back when I said I don’t breathe correctly. I think you’re supposed to breathe through your nose and our your mouth but I inhale too deeply, via my mouth, clench my teeth, realize that I’m holding my breath, then let it out. Did you know that gulping too much air leads to bloating? This is why I don’t chew gum. Now I’m trying to monitor my breathing and it’s driving me crazy. You’ll probably hate me after reading this because now you’re going to focus on your breathing. YOU ARE NOW AWARE OF YOUR BREATHING.

Being tense is a specialty of mine. It’s weird because most of the time I’m pretty laid-back but when I would most like to be easygoing is when I’m at my most nervous. I want to believe in myself but I let life get in the way. I try to plan everything out. I try not to psych myself up. But I think it’s back firing. I just want to have unwavering belief in myself. Do you have any idea how hard that is? To block out all of the “logical” reasons why something won’t work out for you and to focus instead on how great you are and how everything is going to work out somehow? You know who’s really good at doing that? Kanye West.

God I love Kanye West.

Maybe we can help each other. If I weren’t me and I were reading this and I wanted to help myself, I would say, Maybe you should just say, fuck everything else, and only think about things you can control. And what can you control? You can control what you look like and how hard you work and nurturing your talent. That’s it. All you have to do is be you. You’re in the prime of your life. Enjoy it!

You know what? I think it’s Kanye time. This is for all of us:

WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? U ARE THE BEST YUO U CAN BE!!! YOU ARE FUNNY AND YOUNG AND SMART AND ATTRACTIVE!! YOU ARE A HARD WORKER!! WHAT R U AFRAID OF????? THERE IS NTHING YOU CNA’T DO, EXCEPT FOR MAYBE GO TO THE MOON OR SOME SHIT, BUT YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THAT ANYWAY!! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU WANT TO BE THE MOON SCIENTIST, YOU JUST WANT TO BE THE BEST YOU. PEOPLE LIKE YOU, YOU’RE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF. SOME DAY YOU’RE GOING TO BE OLD, OR ALMOST OLD, AND YOU’RE GOING TO THINK, WHY THE FCUK DID I COMPLAIN SO MUCH WHEN I WAS YOUNG??? AND THERE WON’T BE A MAGIC DELOREAN OR ANY OF THAT SHIT, THERE’S NO GOING BACK. THIS IS IT, THIS IS YOUR LIFE, AND THAT’S GREAT!! DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL. WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL IS YOU AND YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!!!!! MOST PEOPLE WHO DO AMAZING THINGS NEVER THING ABOUT HOW EXACTLY THEY’RE GOING TO DO THEM, THEY JUST KNOW THEY’RE AMAZING AND THEY DO IT!!! IT’S CLICHED OK BUT IT’S TRUE YOU NEED TO JUST DO IT!!!! DON’T MAKE ME BREAK MY MACBOOK PRO OVER THIS SHIT!!!!!

Through The Wire — Belaire

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Strut.

Sep
02
2009

I’m a girl who writes a blog so you knew it would come to this: the body post.

A few days ago I was taking inventory at work and my boss wanted to know more about me so I said, “Hm, I love to cook and eat” and she said, “How do you stay so thin?” and I thought, “Damn are you crazy? I’m not thin, I’m normal.” At best I can hope for skinny-fat. Look, I live in LA and I’m a struggling actress. I’ve seen thin. I’m not thin. I have friends who are models for Draper’s sake! Hells bells!

But I guess if I were in any other profession or lived in any another city (except for maybe New York. Or Paris. Or Milan. Or basically anywhere in Europe?) I would be happy with my figure and might even think of myself as thin. This doesn’t bum me out. I’m OK with it. I chose this. But what bums me out is seeing my friends who agonize over their bodies. Women can see a photo of a thin actress/model/or even one of their friends and actually let it depress them. Somehow just looking at someone else with an ideal figure makes them feel badly about their own figure. Even though a photo of someone else has no reflection on you or your body or who you are. But it can still make you feel badly. I’m not going to tell you to stop feeling badly because it’s not that easy.

But what I will tell you is that photos. lie. all. the. freaking. time. It’s all about angles and lighting. People are paid to make other people not look fat. Seriously.

The flip side to this though is that some actresses look super, super thin in person and look “normal” on the screen, because the camera adds ten pounds, or whatever. I saw Julianne Moore in person (that night that I ate something weird and then vomited all over a 7-11 parking lot, such good times) and she looked like a freaking child from behind!! Seriously she looked like a teenager and she’s a 40-something year old woman! That’s insane!!

Why is it so much easier to hate our bodies than to love them? Why is it so hard for us to accept compliments? Why do we always want to deflect them? (Yes I’m aware that I’m making generalizations and that not all women are like this, GWYNETH PALTROW). Why is it that I always hope that when I see my friends they’ll ask, “Did you lose weight?” And then why is it that when they actually do ask that I can’t even enjoy the compliment? Why is that even a compliment?

I don’t know. I don’t have any answers here or even anything earth shattering to add. Except that if you’re not being paid for it then why are you so worried about having a Kate Beckinsale waist? Or Kate Bosworth legs? Or Cate Blanchett cheekbones? Or a Kate Moss everything? (See what I’m doing here?) BTW did you hear that Cate Blanchett suffered a head injury while on stage doing A Streetcar Named Desire and for a while she kept going, trying to act through it? That is such a Kate Hepburn thing to do. I think Kate Winslet would also be impressed. Kate Capshaw was in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

There has to be something about your body that you love. Maybe you haven’t found it yet. Maybe you need to blast your favorite music and do a sexy photoshoot. Then you should delete those photos because you never know when they will come back to haunt you. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be proud of them I’m just saying that you may need a job one day. Or not! Do whatever you want! It’s your body and you should love it because it’s the only one you’re going to have. You could get thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery and it’s STILL going to be the body you’re stuck with. And the ironic thing about plastic surgery is that it isn’t even permanent! Things sag, rupture, heal oddly, shift, etc. I’VE SEEN IT HAPPEN.

I can see both sides of why actresses need to look thin/toned/whatever. One the one hand they’re being paid millions of dollars to have a certain image. It’s the image that sells tickets. But on the other hand shouldn’t it be about the acting? The art? Should it matter that their thighs don’t touch?

One great thing about exercise is the endorphins; just the act of working out can make you feel better, even without seeing the results. So go for a walk! Maybe not, if you live in SoCal, not right now, the smoke/air is really bad for you. Maybe just stay inside. For a little bit.

I don’t know. I just want us to (insert Mean Girls quote here about sunshine and rainbows and being happy).

I Ran (So Far Away) — A Flock Of Seagulls

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

I Guess It's Time To Say Goodbye.

Aug
31
2009

I guess it’s time to say goodbye to the summer. Except for not really, because when you live in Southern California, there is no summer, there is Sprummerfall. You can go to the beach any day of the year, especially in September, it gets hottest in September. It gets cold in January, but only at night. People forget that LA is a desert so it cools down drastically during the night.

Did you all reach your summer goals? When I was in junior year of high school my friend and I made summer goals. Mine was to make out with the chunky lead singer from Louis XIV. Hers was to eat an entire pizza. Neither of us completed our goals.

I stopped making summer goals after I graduated because when you leave school, summer means less and less. Now that I work weekends my schedule is completely fucked. Sunday nights feel like Friday nights to me. This Monday feels like a Saturday. Where am I? Who am I? What in the fresh hell is going on?


I remember one September, I guess it was senior year of high school, our head of administrations said to us something like, “I always think of the fall as a time to make resolutions, rather than New Years.” Then she made fart noises with her mouth and did the worm off stage. No, no she didn’t do any of that. But it wouldn’t be totally crazy. We once entered a contest to get Blink 182 to come sing at our prom and so our administration got on the roof of our school, in their suits, lyp-synching to Blink 182. What’s my age again, indeed.

So I will make goals. I will try to:

~~ Hate myself less.
~~ Try some new shampoos.
~~ High five more.
~~ Send real letters.
~~ Give the finger less when I’m driving.
~~ Have more sympathy for Joaquin Phoenix.

I will try not to:

~~ Go so many days without washing my hair, or at least invest in dry shampoo. Which really dovetails nicely with goal two above.
~~ Say “fuck” in public because I once heard a really pretty girl describe something as being “fucking” whatever and it immediately made her look 10x less attractive.
~~ Eat so much cheese.
~~ Be too soft.
~~ Worry about Paula Abdul. She’s in God’s hands now.

If you’re in socal is your throat also burning from the fires? Are you also coughing? If you’re close to them I hope that you’re okay. That is one of the dangers of summer here. Here’s looking to a much better Sprummerfall.

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

I Suck At Everything (And So Can You)!

Jul
26
2009
“What’s the use in trying? All you get is pain.” — Super Emo band The Monkees
“If you’re going to do something, do it right.” — Charles Manson

My mom told me a story that when she was a teenager, her mother gave her a silver cigarette case for her birthday saying, “If you’re gonna smoke, smoke right.” My Oma (I think that’s Yiddish for Grandmother) was basically saying, “Look, you’re going to do something stupid, so suck at it really well.” Is there anything more pure than that?

I am sick of The Secret. I am sick of picturing me as a super successful actor with Paul McCartney as my boyfriend. We all know that Paul McCartney is probably not ever going to be my boyfriend. (I still can’t give up the probably DON’T YOU DARE ASK ME TO GIVE UP THE PROBABLY.) Good things are not happening to me no matter how hard I picture them.

Then I realized that I actually have to try. So I tried trying.

Trying sucks.

The more I try the more I think that I suck.

But don’t misunderstand me here. This feeling that I suck is not a sad feeling. It’s almost a relief. I’m good at something! I’m good at sucking!

I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have an agent, and I don’t look like Jayne Mansfield. BUT HOW AWESOME IS THAT CONSISTENCY??! Screw boyfriends, none of them are going to be anything like Paul McCartney anyway! So that’s one down! We’re almost there gang!!

If you can wake up in the mirror, smile, and say, “I suck!” THEN YOUR DAY CAN ONLY GET BETTER FROM THERE. Thinking about the things that you don’t have makes you realize that, holy shit, look at all the room for stuff I can have! Cheerfully admit that you don’t have a job, and lo and behold, watch the world continue to go on! No weird “The Happening” shit here. No one around you is killing themselves! And they probably suck too! But they’re alive just like you are. SO SUCK HARDER THAN THEM, DON’T LET THEM BEAT YOU AT ANYTHING!!

And hey, no matter how hard you suck, you can’t suck harder than Tim Burton! That guy used up all his good ideas 4 films into his career! Did you guys see “Planet of the Apes”?? Holy shit that sucked! That was the suckiest suck to ever suck!! Imagine how must fun he must have had making such a suckfest! The whole time he was probably thinking, “Fuck this is gonna suck, how did I convince people to give me money for this? PIZZA PARTY!!”

Seriously, don’t lie awake at night thinking of how much you suck. The key is not to beat yourself up for sucking. Embrace it. Remember what the rich hobo said: “When you got nothing you got nothing to lose.”

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Is Mick Jagger my real dad?

Mar
11
2009
I don’t want to overwhelm anyone but I have lots of evidence that Mick Jagger might be my real father. The evidence being photos. And faith. Because you gotta have faith. Faith-a-faith-a-faith-faith. Besides, I don’t need evidence. The evidence is in my heart. And in the music.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook