Tag Archives: Apocalypstick

My New Book “I Forgot To Be Famous” Is Out!

Jun

2013

SUPER EXCITING NEWS! I wrote a book! An e-book! It’s called I Forgot To Be Famous. It’s available for sale now on Amazon! It’s also available as an iBook on the Mac Apple digital book store Internet shop whatever it’s called. Here are some frequently asked questions about that book that may help you!

WHAT IS THE BOOK CALLED?
I Forgot To Be Famous.

WHERE CAN I GET IT?
Amazon and iTunes.

WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE KINDLE?
No problem, I don’t either! You can download a Kindle reader for free and read it on your computer (Mac or Windows). Amazon has a wide variety of free Kindle apps. With these you’ll be able to also read it on your iPhone, iPod Touch, Android, Windows Phone, and Blackberry. You will also be able to read it on your iPad, Android Tablet, and Windows 8.

IS IT AVAILABLE IN MY COUNTRY?
It is available in (almost) every country that Amazon/other retailers have access to. So this means the book is available for download in:

— Austria
— Canada
— France
— Germany
— Italy
— Spain
— The United Kingdom
— The United States

IS THIS BOOK ABOUT ME? AM I MENTIONED?
If you have to ask, then no, it probably isn’t about you. If you are mentioned, it’s by first name only…unless I felt the need to protect your name, in which case, I gave you a fake name.

OH, CRAP.
Naw, you don’t need to be worried. It’s nothing insulting.

WHAT IS THE BOOK ABOUT?
Copy/pasted from Amazon: What do you do when your ex leaves you for his A-list actress ex girlfriend? How do you land a musician boyfriend? What’s it like to make a total jackass of yourself when you meet that actor you’ve had a crush on for years? What would When Harry Met Sally… look like in 2013? Am I hungry? These questions and more are answered and explored by Almie Rose in I FORGOT TO BE FAMOUS, essays and how-to’s about dating, relationships, living in Los Angeles, and how they all crash into each other, like the car chase scene in the mall in the Blues Brothers movie, which she hasn’t seen, but is not at all opposed to.

WHO IS THE A-LIST ACTRESS?
I can’t tell you that.

WHY NOT?
I don’t want to. And I don’t want to get sued.

OKAY WELL THEN WHO IS THE ACTOR YOU MET YOU HAD A BIG CRUSH ON?
I can’t tell you that either. I think I left enough clues though where you would be able to guess.

HOW MUCH IS THE BOOK?
It’s $2.99 in the USA and around that price everywhere else.

SO I CAN PRE-ORDER IT NOW BUT WHAT DAY DOES IT COME OUT?
Monday, July 1.

HOW LONG IS THE BOOK?
It’s slightly over 50 pages. It’s really short. I’ve vomited longer than it takes to read the book.

…WHAT?
Sangria. Never again.

WHAT IF I LIKE IT OR DON’T LIKE IT AND WANT TO LET YOU KNOW?
You can email me here, follow me on Twitter, or add me on Facebook.

WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE KINDLE?
You already asked that, but it’s okay. You can download a free Kindle reader to read the book on your computer, phone, or tablet. The book is also available on iTunes.

WHERE CAN I READ MORE OF YOUR WRITING?
Here on this blog. Also Hello Giggles, The Frisky, Thought Catalog, and many other places that you can find on my website, Almierose.com. And I post videos at YouTube.com/TheApocalypstick.

I’M YOUR PARENT/RELATIVE/FRIEND OF YOUR PARENT. SHOULD I READ THIS BOOK?
I would really, really prefer if you didn’t.

WHAT IF YOU DIDN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION HERE?
Comment on this post!

WHY AM I SHOUTING?
I DON’T KNOW! BUT YOU ARE! YOU’RE SHOUTING, YOU’RE SHOUTING, YOU’RE SHOUT— (gets hit on the hand with a candlestick.)

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Stop being oblivious.

Nov

2012

Awesome tee courtesy of Blondes Make Better T-Shirts. I’m so happy they gave this to me, because I saw it and thought, “NEED.” It’s basically just a big comfy shirt that says “M. M — MEDIUM” on it and then beneath that is a description of what the M doesn’t stand for, like “monkey.” And they’re a green company! And they have hilarious instructional labels sewn in them. And they’re made out of that material that makes tees fell all vintagey and soft. AND they’re offering a SPECIAL DISCOUNT to Apocalypstick readers: 20% for the entire month of Novemeber! (enter apocalypstick at checkout). Yay!

One of the questions I’m asked all the time, aside from, “Are you drunk?” is, “How do I tell if someone likes me? Like, likes me?”

My answer to this is, “If you have to ask, they don’t like like you.” That’s number one. I know this may hurt, but if someone really liked you, you would know. And if a month passed by and they didn’t make a move, it’s not going to happen.

But some people are diabolically shy, and make this a little harder to figure out. And on the other side are the people who are diabolically clueless who don’t realize if someone is blatantly hitting on you.

Here are some hints if someone is into you (or not):

— They go out of their way to make you happy. This could mean hanging out with you, helping you out with something, whatever. Going out of their way means maybe they have to drive a long distance or change up their plans, but they do it because they like you, and want to see you.

— They don’t call you repeatedly after 2 AM and ask you to come over. All this means is that they like having sex with you. They don’t like you. They don’t hate you, they just don’t want to take it beyond sex.

— You can be a total bitch to them (either on purpose or because of a rough day, hopefully it’s not on purpose) and they forgive you. Not only do they forgive you but they continue to hang out with you.

— They actually listen when you talk to them. You can tell that they were listening because later, even weeks after your conversation, they’ll reference something you spoke about, like, “Hey how is your grandma by the way?” or, “I saw this thing that you just have to see, it reminded me of you.” This usually segues into the private joke stage.

— They flirt with you. I mean really, that’s the most obvious clue. The above signs are some ways people flirt. Another way they flirt is to laugh at your inane jokes. Try telling a joke or a story and see who is actually looking at you the most. Who is really listening. If it’s them, that’s a good sign. (Remember “you’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you”?)

— They make a move. This is the bottom line. If this doesn’t happen it means you’re good friends, or they’re too fucked up to handle anything beyond friendship. It doesn’t mean they don’t like like you, but if nothing’s happened by now, nothing will for a long time, if ever.

These are the signs. Stop being oblivious and pay attention. If you are the recipient of these signs, wise up.

What do you think? What did I leave out?

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Who’s really reading this blog?

Oct

2012

I write about my dating life. Sometimes you may even wonder, “Is this about me?” And I’ve been starting to wonder, “Are any of these guys I’ve written about actually reading this?”

So, indulge me. If we’ve ever:

— Been in a relationship

— Dated

— Been on a date

— Had sex

— Had any sort of sexual contact

— Made out

— Kissed

— Flirted

I want you to comment and let me know that you’re reading this. You don’t have to use your name. You can be anonymous. I would prefer if you used some sort of nickname that hints to me who you are. But do whatever you want.

This is an experiment that could go really well, or really poorly. Go for it.

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MAX LANDIS AND APOCALYPSTICK WANT YOU…

Feb

2012

…To send us — Max Landis, screenwriter of “Chronicle” and Almie Rose, of the blog you’re reading right now — your questions on dating, relationships, sex, social etiquette – we’ll tackle them all! In case you’re not familiar, Max and I do a web show where we take readers’ questions and answer them as best we can. So send em on over to my formspring.

See our previous videos here.

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