GUYS: If a girl thinks you’re gay, it means she thinks, “That man dresses well, has exceptional taste and style, looks like he showers, and is actually trying to talk to me instead of grabbing at my boobs.” It’s a compliment.
GIRLS: If you’re with a guy (or girl or anyone), stop getting insecure about their ex-girlfriends. They’re with you know. Sure, there’s curiosity and then there’s angst. I NEED TO GET BETTER AT THIS ONE.
EVERYONE: Can we just be kinder to each other? Being cynical is tired. Try something else.
BEN STILLER: I saw you on Broadway in “House of Blue Leaves” and you are an astonishingly good actor. Can you please cut it the fuck out with this Meet The Parent shit? Do you not have enough money at this point? Do you really need more cars? Boats? Cashmere underwear? I don’t know. Just stop it. This is why no one likes you. Stop it. Be good. Let yourself be good. I believe in you, Ben Stiller. I believe in you.
CAB DRIVER WHO DROVE LIKE THE COPS WERE CHASING US: I undertipped you on PURPOSE. THAT WAS THE SCARIEST RIDE OF MY LIFE. AND WHEN I SAID I’LL GET OUT HERE, YOU KEPT DRIVING. BETWEEN THAT AND YOUR MR. TOAD’S WILD RIDE DRIVING ABILITIES, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. WE ALMOST HIT 3 DIFFERENT CARS. THIS WAS NOT AN AVERAGE CAB RIDE, WHERE ONE HITS ALMOST 2 CARS. 3 IS 1 TOO MANY. 3 IS INSANE.
Bonus: Can we not wear backpacks and capris to the theater?
I visited NYC for the first time last month. I miss it so much! I need to run away to New York and find myself, even though I’m in my mid 30s.
IT’S NEVER TOO LATE!
At least your cab driver didn’t ACTUALLY hit a car.
D.C. ’07. Good times, good times.
P.S. Did you see the naked cowboy?
OMG what happened? That is so awkward.
I didn’t, I think he retired.
HE RETIRED?! What the hell? That is so disappointing. I say we get an Indian to take over, just to even things out.
And as for our grade-a cabbie, he was too busy yelling at someone on his phone while giving us a mini tour that he decided to run a red light and totally hit the back side of a car going through the intersection. We spent the first 6 hours of our visit in the hospital getting checked out and being begged not to sue him. His boss showed up and chewed him out then in a straight to DVD mellow drama got fired in the middle of the ER waiting room. He fell to his knees and cry-begged for his job. Would not have been so awkward/depressing if his boss wasn’t also his father-in-law.
I would pay for the security cam footage. It was so unreal. I thought we were on some super awful hidden camera show for a minute but Ashton never showed up and then I remembered I’m not famous.
Yeah, but the angsting about his ex’s is an irrational thing we do, there is no switch to turn that behaviour off. There should be, though.
Do you really think so? It’s something I’ve wondered about. I think it’s doable. With therapy.
I also think that age is a factor. Both side though, men and women. Not everyone, some people never get over the ex thing. Although some think, hey it was your ex, you guys had enough issues that you broke up, we are happy, let’s keep it that way.
“Being cynical is tired. Try something else.” Have I told you lately that I love you?
smiley face!
Everything you wrote makes me want to visit this city like nobody’s business.
Hahahaha, GO!!
sigh, I always fall for the ones I think are gay
Word.
Yes, yes and YES to everything you just said. Well done.
THANK YOU!
Email me!!
Can I just say how much I appreciate that you are sassy but NOT cynical? They often go hand-in-hand, but they are not the same. I wholeheartedly believe that avoiding cyncicism in New York is the key to RULING New York. Can’t wait to test this hypothesis one day.