Category Archives: No I will never stop complaining about Facebook so get off my plane

Facebook sucks.

Jan

2013

Facebook. Facebook sucks. Facebook is designed to fuck you over. Facebook is not your friend. Please read my embarrassing story of Facebook horror as a warning. Do not let this happen to you. Consider this your friendly cautionary tale.

I was seeing this guy. He mentioned early on that he had an ex wife and I was like, “Fine with me, I’m not looking to turn this into anything where that means something.” I didn’t say that out loud though. I’M JUST BEING BREEZY.

Then I killed the breeziness.

On one fateful night, I’m looking at his Facebook profile, like you do, and I saw a photo of him with his ex. He mentioned that they were on friendly terms so I thought, oh, I wonder what she looks like and if we have any friends in common.

So then I started looking at her Facebook profile. Just out of curiosity. It’s not like I was doing anything weird, I was just scrolling and clicking and thinking, “Hmm, nice hair” and just being breezy.

And then I saw something horrifying. Something awful. Something that you never, ever want to see on the Facebook profile of someone whose Facebook profile you don’t want anyone to know you’re looking at.

“Friend request sent.”

Yes. Somehow, without realizing it and without doing it on purpose, I clicked “add friend.”

This was my exact facial expression:

This is a still from the scene in “Rosemary’s Baby” where Rosemary sees her baby for the first time and realizes that it isn’t a human baby, but actually the devil’s baby. Our reaction was exactly the same, down to the hand clasped over the mouth.

Then I screamed. My brother ran in the room and said, “What happened?” I said, “I accidentally added this dude’s ex wife on Facebook.” He said, “That’s not bad.” Then paused and said, “Nah…that’s pretty bad.”

I immediately clicked “unrequest” but I have no idea when I clicked “request” to begin with, so I don’t know if she already saw my request.

I have a theory on how this happened: I think I wanted to see what friends we had in common, and the “friends” box is right above the line that says “Do you know blahbah? If so, send blahblah a friend request” and I must have accidentally clicked “request friend” instead of clicking on friends. Fuck you, Facebook. That’s fucking evil. That’s horrible placement.

So I’m sitting there freaking out. Because now I look like what every 20 something woman of my generation looks like that we want to avoid at all costs: a crazy fucking digital stalker. There was nothing I could do. I could tell him before she told him, but what if she doesn’t see it or what if she saw it but doesn’t tell him? Then I’m volunteering my craziness.

Assuming she saw it, I ran through all of the scenarios.

She saw it.

She saw it, and didn’t care.

She saw it, cared, and clicked on my profile.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, and saw that we have her ex in common.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, and told her ex.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, told her ex, and he was horrified.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, told her ex, he was horrified, and they killed my family.

But who would do that, right? I’m safe, right? Right?? Right.

A few days later, the guy comes over. We’re just talking about his cat and then, without missing a beat, he says, “My ex wife told me that you added her and unadded her on Facebook.”

This was my exact facial expression:

This is a still from “The Shining” when Jack Nicholson goes crazy and comes after Shelley Duvall with an ax.

This was my exact reaction before I immediately hid my face and did a sort of screechy/laughing/groaning thing while shouting, “Let me explain” and “Oh my God” in a failed attempt to be playful and cute and in an even BIGGER failed attempt to be breezy. I didn’t even TRY to be breezy. I’m just trying to imagine what I must seem to him like now. He must think I’m fucking insane. But it was an honest mistake on my part.

Please, everyone. Learn from my mistakes. Don’t do what I did, or didn’t do. Even though it’s HILARIOUS.

One thing though. I am not posting this piece of writing anywhere on my Facebook page, or my blog’s Facebook page, or on my Twitter. So if either of them see this, that means they willingly read my blog, and that’s all on them. Who’s crazy now, huh????? HUH?? BOOM! Not me. Not me at all. No way, dudes. Not me, I’m BREEEEZZZZYYYYY!

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Like Paul McCartney.

Sep

2011

I wrote this on my facebook and it seemed to resonate with a lot of people:

Today I saw something on Facebook that made me jealous and instead of wishing that person got hit in the head with a sled and wondering why my life isn’t like that and what’s so bad about me and screw everyone, I instead thought, “How nice for this person, I’m glad they’re doing well, and I ate a lot of cheese tonight so I’m pretty okay too.”

I’ve talked about overcoming jealously before but it seems like now that Facebook is as big a monster as ever before, and now that Google+ has arrived (LOL just kidding, no one cares about Google+) I’ve noticed that a lot of my friends feel more insecure about themselves. Someone will say something about how so-and-so has a great life and career and call them a “bitch” or a “slut” and I say, how do you know this, I haven’t seen that person since high school, and the answer is always the same:

Facebook.

Here’s what you can do: you can feel bad about or yourself or you can comment on that person’s post, “That’s awesome!” or something. It’s okay if you don’t fully mean it, as long as it doesn’t come off as sarcastic. Because eventually you will mean it. “The more you give, the more you get.” — Paul McCartney and probably lots of other people. This was a really hard lesson for me to learn. First I had to realize it. My thinking was, “Why the hell should I be happy for this person, they’re a jerk and I’m awesome and nothing great is happening for me.” But thinking that way didn’t make me more successful. And it didn’t make them less successful. It just put me in a bad mood.

And I guarantee you that for every Facebook post you see about someone’s awesome life, there’s about two that you don’t. Remember, few people are going to post things like, “Today I cried on the phone with my therapist and gave up on my life.” Actually you might see me post that. But that’s not because I’m looking for sympathy, it’s because I have no filter at all, and just tell it like it is. This actually got me in trouble today and I feel horrible about it. I have to learn to say things in my head before I speak them. (And I really am sorry and I heart you very much.)

OK so. Conan O’Brien kind of changed my life when he said, “If you work hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.” Work Hard & Be Kind has become my motto, my mantra, my manatee. (I needed to keep the alliteration going.) When you do this, amazing things DO happen. When you help your friends, they help you. At the core, all people really want is to feel okay. Not even great, just okay. And it’s so easy to make someone feel okay. All you have to do is sign onto Facebook and “like” something. Again, at first it will feel like you’re lying to yourself, but you’ll soon realize that people are honestly touched when you reach out, especially if you’re the kind of person who never does. Some people are genuine assholes, but those people have terrible parents, so it’s only half their fault and really you should feel badly for them. Even if they have their own house that their parents paid for and they have a great job that their parents got them. Because again, there’s no reason to wish them harm. It’s not going to get you anywhere.

Geez, this went on long enough. Tell me, does Facebook make you jealous? Studies have shown that it has this effect on people. What do you do to overcome jealously, or do you not bother?

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Shameless Genlux Post!

Jun

2010

(MAD MEN!)

I’ve been away and I’m sorry about that. But. BUT. YOU CAN TELL ME TO STUFF MY SORRYS IN A SACK, BECAUSE I COME WITH ANOTHER SACK. OF GIFTS. OF POMPOSITY. Sort of. My interview with Jason Lewis (aka Smith Jerrod) is out and ready to read in the latest issue of Genlux! The Summer 2010 issue, the one with Jessica Alba on the cover!

Now if you don’t get Genlux, guess what?? Thanks to the wonder of the Internet and the fine people at Genlux, you can read it ONLINE. AND EVEN CLICK THE PAGES AND THE PAGES TURN AND IT MAKES A NOISE LIKE IF YOU WERE REALLY TURNING PAGES. THIS IS THE FUTURE! MEET GEORGE JETSON! HIS BOY ELROY! DAUGHTER JUDY! JANE, HIS WIFE! DISGRUNTLED ROBOT!

Go here: http://www.genlux.com/inthisissue.htm. Hint: page 36 for the interview. My regular column is on page 114 and it’s about — what else — my hatred for Facebook. I KNOW, I KNOW. I also wrote something else in there — try to find it! You know, if you’re an unpaid intern at some production company and are really, really bored at work.

Friend Like Me — Robin Williams. Yes, the Genie song from Aladdin. So what? Don’t pretend you’re not going to download it and enjoy it. Don’t even.

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What Don't You Fucking Understand?

Nov

2009

Yes, friends, it’s another Facebook post. WAIT, DO NOT LEAVE, PLEASE. DO NOT CLICK THE LITTLE “X.” DO NOT GO INTO KARLA’S CLOSET OR INTO THE VAST DESERT OF ONTD. STAY WITH ME A LITTLE LONGER. DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT.

OK now that it’s just us, let’s get really intimate. Let’s talk about stuff. Let’s throw it out there, like a deer carcass on a table.

Remember when you first got Facebook and you thought it would change your life? Wait, maybe that was just me. But remember when you first got it and you thought, “Oh this is cool and better than Friendster”? Yeah you have to remember that. Remember Friendster? Remember how there were “testimonials” and how when you wrote testimonials for each other you wrote them sincerely, because it was all so new? I had a friend who wrote things like, “Help, I am Rosie the Robot and I am trapped by George Jetson and forced to write things on Friendster!” Trust me, it was funny at the time. When the teacher pops a test, I know I’m in a mess, and the dog ate all my homework last night.

I think what upsets me most about Facebook is the jarring way it straddles the line between privacy and public life. By which I mean a lot of things, so let’s break it down (remember that deer carcass? We’re gonna take of its limbs and stuff. I’m sorry, I saw “The Queen” a few nights ago and I’m still thinking about that scene where Helen Mirren stares at the dead deer. God Helen Mirren was so fucking hot in her youth. She still is, in her own way, but that Mirren was like a girl from a David Bowie song or something, man. Wait, what? Oh right, let’s break it down):

— When someone posts news on Facebook or interacts with you in some way, do you then bring it up in public? Or is it like you have two separate lives? How many times have we been at a party and someone you know starts telling you something about their lives and you think, “Fuck I remember reading that on my feed, do I let them keep talking? Are we now both pretending like this is new information?” It’s the new “Uh oh this person has something in their teeth, do I tell them?”

— “It’s complicated” is your relationship status. Then why the hell are you hitting on me? Are you trying to make merde more complicated? Sweet sassy molassy, what does “It’s complicated” even mean, really? I take it to mean, “I’m currently fucking someone” but I could be way off.

— Between this blog, Facebook, and my twitter, it seems like I have no new banter left to present in “real life.” Do you have any idea how many times I’ve tried to use that Jurassic Park joke in person only to be told, “I read that on your blog” and have me feel dumb? Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with new material? Yabba Dabba Doo!

— This one annoys me to no end: I send you a message on Facebook, you haven’t responded, but you’ve updated your profile/status/done something to prove that you in fact have been on Facebook and are, for whatever aggravating reason, not responding to my message. Don’t you see how rude that is? To be honest, I’ve done that before, but only because I’ve totally forgotten that I had a message to respond to. So I like to give people the benefit of the doubt that think that they have also forgotten, but it gets harder to believe when they update their Facebook every day. Like, what the hell? Answer my goddamn message! I can tell you’re online, I know you got it, because Facebook you know, works, so what the hell?? What don’t you fucking understand??

However, I still can’t bring myself to delete my Facebook. I KNOW, I KNOW! I just can’t. I would feel way too disconnected from the world. For one thing, people use Facebook over email or telephone to send out invitations to parties/events. And you all know how much I love going to parties. I’m like Andy Warhol; I’d go to the opening of a cereal box. I just can’t risk that disconnect. I need to know what’s going on. Except for when I see something potentially upsetting, like when a love interest has moved/gotten a girlfriend/cut his hair. That’s damaging. But, like an abusive lover, I keep coming back. I let Facebook pummel me and then I just bleed all over it.

These songs describe in every way possible, from lyric to melody, how I feel about Facebook:

Total Eclipse Of The Heart — Bonnie Tyler
This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) — Talking Heads
Laura — Girls
Hate — Cat Power
This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us — Sparks
and finally
What’s So Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love And Understanding — Elvis Costello & The Attractions