Category Archives: fun times

A history of Valentine’s Days.

couple in the parkFollow me on Instagram @apocalypstick

People love to hate on Valentine’s Day. Their favorite line: “It’s just a stupid holiday created by Hallmark.” Yeah well duh, thanks Dr. House. But think back to when you were a kid and how much fun Valentine’s Day was, unless you were Ralph Wiggum. You got a bunch of free candy and you weren’t even sure why. You gave everyone overpriced flimsy cardboard Disney or Snoopy valentines and you dropped them into the Vday themed paper bags you had taped to your desk. Or whatever. It was fun and we were young, no promises, no demands.

I’m not saying that I love this holiday but I don’t hate it. There are very few days when I can drink champagne and eat chocolate with reckless abandon and not be judged for it. This is one of those days. I never do anything particularly romantic on Valentine’s day.

On my very first Valentine’s day that I had a boyfriend, he led me to believe that he had secret plans but then revealed that he did not and perhaps I was just seeing what I wanted to see. I forced him to make plans and we managed to get a table at an awesome restaurant (I lived in NYC at the time). It was one of those restaurants that was in the meat packing district which mean that it was too cool to have an actual sign outside so we searched for it as I teetered dangerously in heels on the cobblestone streets. However, because it was so last minute, we had to eat at 5.  But that was fine, I get really hungry around then. The food was delicious and they gave us free desserts and a love themed mixed CD, which I promptly lost a few days later. We got very drunk and went back to my apartment and I complained a lot about something and we went to sleep.

The year after that Kadner came over and we drank champagne and watched “Lost” and through a turn of events that I still don’t understand I had cat whiskers drawn on my face with an eyeliner pencil.

The years after that I don’t think I did anything. My parents gave me chocolate every year and some goodies and if not for them I would be your typical Forever Aloner.

Last year my friend Max hosted a gathering of singles at a BBQ place. That was delicious. Afterwards we went to karaoke where I belted “You Oughta Know.” Also delicious.

Tonight I had the idea of cooking my boyfriend dinner but I just realized that means I actually have to cook something so I’ll probably stop at Whole Foods instead. I meant to make plans but I got busy and it slipped out of my hands and my head. So this is what we’re doing and I’m fine with it. Sure, my dream would be to have a surprise of some sorts: like maybe I’m whisked away to THE PIRATE RESTAURANT IN DISNEYLAND HOW SWEET WOULD THAT BE WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER but I’m thrilled to even have someone to love on this day who isn’t related to me, so that’s enough, really.

Tell me about your romantic Vdays (or any dates) in your past.

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Readers talk back.

A long ass time ago I said I would interview the 1,000th person to “like” me on on Facebook and I did and then I forgot to post it because I’m an asshole. Congrats to Hillary for being my 1,000th like and to Matthew for being my superfan. I interviewed them both. They’re hilarious. Thank God. I mean, of course they are!!! Why wouldn’t they be??

1. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

M: Well, obviously. I also often feel like one that is drifting through the wind. Wanting to start again.

H: Totally. Actually, not totally. Partially. Actually, I feel kind of like a paper bag sometimes. Like, a paper bag can’t really drift through the wind, but it can definitely roll around on the ground while it tries to make it’s way to some new life experience. Also, “Paper Bag” is my fave Fiona Apple song. Yes, Fiona Apple is still relevant to me. 

 

2. How did you find my blog?

M: Well you see, I know this poet person (she tweets like a tweet god @fartmaster5000, that’s not her real name. lol) and she posted a video of yours on her Tumblr, “How To Get Over A Break Up”, which is still my favorite video of yours. For a while, I only watched your videos and LOVED them. Then, I eventually found and read your blog religiously and told ALL my friends about you and your loveliness. 

H: If I’m remembering correctly, I found your blog through Filleosophy. I believe it was when you gals did that advice formspring thingy. Then I proceeded to read every single one of your entries. You think I’m joking? Is Mick Jagger your real dad? Yes. 

 

3. What do you order at Starbucks?

M: Tall Carmel Macchiato, because life is sweet!

H: Starbucks is so intimidating! It’s like going to a foreign country where you don’t speak the language and the locals aren’t very friendly. I’ve only been once, and that was for a meeting with my boss. I didn’t order anything. Instead, I sat there clinging to my purse for dear life and making note of all the exits. What in the hell is a venti? Sounds like a type of car to me. 

 

4. What is your dream job? (It doesn’t have to exist!)

M: At times, being homeless in New York seems like it would be my dream “job”. I actually plan on attending film school, so I guess my dream job would be a film directing job. Or, you know, being a bum on the street. I’ll take what I can get.

H: This is really tough because I think I’d be content with doing nothing my entire life. Literally. I could sit and do nothing forever. BUT that is no way to live, so I think my dream job would have to be a professional people watcher. Is that creepy? I don’t mean it to be. I just want to go all over the world and observe. I don’t need interaction, just observation. Is that creepy? I think it probably is. Whatever, this is my dream and you’re all living in it. 

 

5. Someone is visiting your city/town. Tell them where to go and what to wear and what NOT to do.

M:  Hahaha! Well, I live in this little town called Paulding, Ohio. I think the population is around 8,000. So, as you might expect, fashion and culture isn’t exactly busting from every corner. I guess I would tell them to go to the nearest exit, wear whatever you please, and to NEVER come back again??

H: Welcome to Raleigh, North Carolina! We have something for everyone in this fair city! Would you like to go to a place where all the dudes are named ‘Trip’ and wear Callaway visors? Natty Greene’s, it is. How bout a bar full of flannel-clad men with beards and Buddy Holly glasses? Raleigh Times, it is. Better yet, want to go somewhere where you can drink three Long Island Iced Teas and ask the D.J.(multiple times) to play “Diva” by Beyonce and can he turn the fog machine on pleazzzz? Downtown Sports Bar, baby. (Yeah, I did that once. I love Beyonce. And fog). What to wear? Stick to skinny jeans, a tank top, and heels (or black flats, if you’re me). If it’s cold, throw on a blazer. I’ve also seen lots of girls wearing fur vests lately. I used to want one until I saw that lots of girls are wearing them lately. What NOT to do? There’s nothing you can’t do! Just like NYC. I will say this, though: don’t be from any other state besides North Carolina. I’m pretty sure smuggling cocaine into the country is easier than getting into a bar with a Virginia license. You think this i.d. with the pretty dogwood flower background is a fake, man? OKAY. WHATEVER. This thing has RAISED PRINT, dude. 

 

Follow Hillary here and read her blog here. Follow Matthew here.

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How To Survive A Party Alone.

debby harry, debbie harry, coney island, blondie

Sometimes one of the bravest things you can do is go to a party alone. That and playing dead around a bear. It’s a toss-up. I don’t know if this is limited to women, but all my lady friends have issues going to parties alone. The usual fears swim about in our heads: what if I wind up sitting in the corner all by myself? What if no one talks to me and the host is the only person I know and they’re going to be too busy to talk to me? What if I am unbearably (see, bringing it back to the bears) awkward? What if I am overdressed? Or underdressed? Or not dressed at all?

I’m here to tell you that you can do it. I’ve gone to parties alone and only one — ONE — was awkward and not fun. So what did I do? I left. It’s that simple! You say your polite goodbyes and then get in your mini cooper and get the hell out of there. Was it an icky experience to just talk to people and have them wander off so I pretended like I had a really urgent text message? Yes. Even Apocalypstick lets her self doubt take over sometimes. That’s the worst, when you feel doubt inside and so it seeps outside and it’s like, seep the fuck back in, but it’s too late.

So here’s what you do. Before you walk in the door, take some Vicodin! Or as I call them, ‘Lil Vickees.

Okay. Fine. That’s a terrible idea.

Instead, create the feeling of being on drugs in a wholesome way. Listen to your favorite tunes before you leave, and on the drive there. Pump yourself up. Create the feeling of euphoria without drugs. Yes, it can be done, I’ve seen other people do it. Music makes the people come to together, yeah. Music has been proven to make your brain happy, or something, I’m not a scientist with a computer, I’m just a girl, standing in front of the Internet, asking it to love her.

Other ways to get in a happy mood? Dress in your favorite outfit. Look good so you feel good. If you feel best in a pirate costume, you wear the damn pirate costume. What would Lady Gaga do, right? Or what would Kate Middleton do? Just use their spirits to guide you as you dress. You know those heels that make you look and feel like a Supermodel, even though you’re 5’2″ or whatever? Put them the fuck on!

When you get to the party, smile and introduce yourself to whoever answers the door. Or whoever is nearby if the door is unlocked. I hate that. I hate walking into an open house without someone greeting me. What are we, ANIMALS?

It also helps to bring something. A bottle of wine, perhaps, because that’s what adults do. Or fruit roll-ups, if you want to go in a totally different direction. Either way you’re saying, thanks for letting me in your home; allow me to buy your friendship.

Engage people. Join their conversations, but not in a weird way when you hear people laughing and you jump over and start laughing even though you have no idea what’s going on. That is never appreciated. If you meet someone cool while you’re making small talk, stick around them, but not for the whole party. You want a buddy, not a parent. Don’t be afraid to make the rounds across the room. Ask people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves, especially if you’re in LA.

If you take this approach, I guarantee that you will make friends by the end of this party. That’s what Uncle Almie did a few days ago, and I had an amazing time.

Oh and alcohol helps. Alcohol always helps.

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American Idololed.

This man is not amused by Iggy Pop.

THIS SEASON OF AMERICAN IDOL IS FUCKING EPIC. MAN I WISH IT WERE ’03, BACK WHEN EVERYONE CARED ABOUT THIS SHOW.

Pia Toscano, the best female singer on the show – one of the best Idol has ever had, period – and this season’s frontrunner, was eliminated last night. There are two girls left and six guys. That’s five women gone in a row.

I love Paul McDonald, resident WGWG (white guy with guitar), but I am shocked that Pia was eliminated before him. This really begs the question: who is voting?

Also shocking was seeing Iggy Pop perform. As if that weren’t enough, just having Iggy Pop performing on American Idol, he performed shirtless like it was the ‘70s. I’m going to guess that at least 80% of the audience had no idea who he was and that 60% of that thought it was a Sacha Baron Cohen type of joke. He ran around the stage singing “Wild One”, some choice words bleeped out, and finished the song by scaring the shit out of Jennifer Lopez. This season started horribly but I now think it may be the best season of the show ever.

I’m going to go there, I’m going to point out that the two women left are white as most Disney princesses. Lauren Alaina, a Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson mashup, and Hailey Reinhardt the resident “bluesy/jazzy girl” (read: growls while singing pop songs) are good singers but they lack, to quote Stephen Tyler’s embarrassing misguided attempt at a compliment to Naima Adedapo a few weeks back, an “ethnic what-is-it-ness.”

The last remaining person of color, Jacob Lusk, was in the bottom three, for the first time of this season, though admittedly that may have been due to his asinine comment the night before, “If I’m in the bottom three it will be because people aren’t ready to look at themselves in the mirror” (he sang Man In The Mirror).

The theme of the show this week was “Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame” which basically meant it was The Big Chill soundtrack night. I love classic rock, but these songs have been dung to death on this show. Maybe viewers were sick of hearing “River Deep, Mountain High” (Pia’s song choice) and liked the way Paul crazied his way through Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues.” Or maybe they liked Pia and assumed she was safe. Or maybe voters’ passion for WGWG is more dependable than Gwen Stefani’s ability to design abominable clothing (she dressed the girls this week in her own line, because sure, that makes sense).

But after seeing five women leave in a row since this season began, you cannot deny that something is going on here. I wasn’t even a big fan of Pia’s, but I’m still surprised that she was eliminated 9th and that the WGWGs are as strong as ever. Scotty McCreery, the country guy, the singer who sang Elvis with the most awkward stage presence of all time, crouching like a Bela Lugosi vampire while giving Eminem hand gestures, is according to Dial Idol (www.dialidol.com) the top vote getter nearly every week. Dial Idol, is admittedly, a merely a projection of who is voting for who, by, “measuring the busy signal” of the contestants’ numbers. It’s free software you can “use to speed dial votes for your favorite contestants.” It’s not exact and it’s not endorsed by the show, though they claim they were 100% accurate for season 9. However, this is based on phone calls only and not texts. I have a feeling that the recent addition of texting has changed the show’s dynamic.

Who do you think is voting? I really wish there was a way to see who this season’s top selling contestants are on itunes. That would say a lot.  Like I said, money doesn’t lie.

Here’s my American Idol post for Ms. Mag’s Blog that inspired it all

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Happy 2nd Blogiversary.

Two years ago today I started this blog. This was the first post. Yeah.

I just want everyone to know that before I switched from blogspot to wordpress, I had lots of comments on my old posts. I’m telling you this so that you know I was popular and won’t feel sorry for me. Also I want you to know I didn’t purposefully delete your comments. I never delete comments. I’ve gotten such great, insightful, and weird funny comments from you guys over the years and I cherish them. Even the mean ones, of which there haven’t been many, so thank you.

To thank everyone for sticking with me and continuing to read, I made y’all a mix “tape.” It’s not a tape. Obviously. You can download it onto your computer and then play it as you hold up a tape recorder and press record. I did that once. Got a great police siren in the background. Really added something to Aretha Franklin’s “Respect.” Anyway. It’s called “I Think I’m Having A Good Time.” It’s like those times where you’re at a party and you’re with your friends and you know you look good but you’re wondering if deep inside something is missing because you love pop music of the 60s and 90s but you’re not dancing just yet and you’re trying to figure out why.

TRACKLISTING:

1. Come See About Me — Diana Ross & The Supremes
2. And She Was — Talking Heads
3. Ca Plane Pour Moi — Plastic Bertrand
4. Donne Moi Ton Amour (Gimme Some Lovin’) — Sylvie Vartan
5. I Dig Everything — David Bowie
6. All Together Now — The Beatles
7. Nights On Broadway — Bee Gees
8. It’s The Little Things — Sonny & Cher
9. Sex And Candy — Marcy Playground
10. It Don’t Come Easy — Ringo Starr
11. These Boots Are Made For Walkin’ — Amanda Lear
12. Sweet Talkin’ Candy Man — The Carrie Nations (Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls)
13. What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted — Diana Ross & The Supremes

download I Think I’m Having A Good Time

I think I did it right, but if it doesn’t download properly, LET ME KNOW. PLEASE.

Much love for Emily who made the cover art. She’s super talented and you should read her blog here and follow her here.

 

We’ve had some good times. Do you have a favorite post? If so, please tell me. I love your feedback. Unless it’s hateful, then go fuck yourself. Have a fun weekend!!!!! xx

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That’s The Power Of Love.

Who do these bitches have in common (aside from important people)???? ME!!

Is “Back to the Future” the most important film of the 80s? Of course not. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT FILM OF ALL TIME.

My Lea Thompson Story:

It was another day at work in which I was probably trying to move things with my mind from behind the counter (because when it’s slow, what else are you going to do) when a woman in my glasses came up to make a purchase. They weren’t literally my glasses of course; mine were in my purse. But they were the same classic, I’m an artist goddamnit but I also love money Ray-Ban glasses. At the store we are required to ask for I.D. for any and all purchases. I asked this young looking woman for I.D. and when she slid it over I saw Lea Thomp– and then my brain went, “Oh shit, it’s Marty’s mom!!” and I blurted out, “Oh, I don’t need this, I know who you are” and gave it back to her.

She laughed and said, “I wish I knew who I was.”

I didn’t recognize you with your glasses,” I said. “I have the same ones! I just got them.”

She seemed excited by this and asked me where I got mine. “Lens Crafters!”

“They had them there??” She exclaimed. “I probably paid way too much for mine! How much did you pay, if you don’t mind me asking?”

I didn’t mind, but my brain pretty much froze. I’m bad with remembering numbers, I’m better with words/phrases. So I sort of stood there, saying “uhhhhh” and mumbling numbers, gradually getting quieter and quieter, like the Tin Man rusting. It was probably very weird. She cheerfully said, “Never mind”, trying to save me from myself.

“Sometimes I worry I’m not cool enough to wear them,” I said. She laughed and said something like, “I know right? But If I am, you are. Believe me, you are.” Then she went off on her way and I had to fight every urge to yell, “THAT’S THE POWER OF LOOOOOOOVE!!” as she left.

My Michael J. Fox Story:

Full disclosure: aside from Captain Hook, Michael J. Fox was my first serious celebrity crush. I have “Back to the Future” to thank for this. Then in middle school, “Spin City” came out and my love for him was only intensified. I watched all of his crappy 80s movies. Even the weird one where he and Sean Penn are fighting in Vietnam and Sean Penn rapes a woman in the jungle and MJF is like, “Wait what” and my naive self was like, “Wait what?”. In college our school had The Actors Studio and all New School University students were allowed to go to the tapings. I went to the MJF taping and watched James Lipton try to be stoic and say things like, “I own a cave in Malta.” (Seriously.) After the taping I waited out back for MJF to come out so I could tell him how awesome he was and how we had a friend in common (the founder of my high school) and etc but I waited at the wrong entrance. My friend Sean, who I always referred to as “Moondog” because he seemed like a surfer but wasn’t, told me that he happened to run into MJF as he was leaving and shook his hand. I said, “How nice for you, Sean” and quietly seethed. Surf’s up, bitch.

A couple of years ago I had an assistant job for a really nice director. I did things for him and his wife, like go to Fred Segal. It was on one of these Fred Segal excursions that I saw him. Michael J. Fox, chilling out max and relaxing all cool. I couldn’t even look at him, he was so awesome. I slid inside the store, made the exchanges, and then got into the bathroom to collect myself. “If he’s there when I come back, I’ll say something” I told myself. When I got out, he was gone.

But he wasn’t! He was sitting outside! I had to do it. I came up to him, trying really hard to turn down the crazy that I give off naturally.

“Hi!” I said. “Actually, we have a friend in common.” I explained that I went to the same high school that was founded by his friends. “Will you tell them I said hi? My name is Almie!” He was very gracious. I don’t know why I asked him to tell them hi, I hadn’t spoken to them in years. We talked about what good people they were. Then to make things even more dorky I added, “In high school, I won an award named after [one of the founders] for being creative or something!” I said that because I am four-and-a-half and carry Play-Doh in my pocket. But he was very kind and at least feigned interest. “What’s your name again?” he asked, probably to make a note to tell them that a very disturbed individual who went to their school accosted him in the Fred Segal parking lot. I told him, I think he said my name was pretty, but unfortunately I can’t remember most of what he said because the whole time my brain was chanting, “MICHAEL J. FOX MICHAEL J. FOX MICHAEL J. FOX” like the “Charge!” chant at sports events.

“I just think you’re awesome” I blurted out, before running to my car. I think he smiled and thanked me. I got into my car, tried to keep it together, because I really didn’t want to hit another car in front of Michael J. Fox, and before I left I waved. He waved back. Then I got on my phone (hands free!) and called my mom. She picked up and I screamed, “IJUSTMETMICHAELJFOXAAAHFREDSEGALAAHAHH” and she thought I had gotten into a car accident.

Having grown up in LA I never get psyched over seeing celebrities, but “Back to the Future” celebs will always be exceptions (same goes for ‘Twin Peaks” celebs). Is there anyone you flipped out over meeting or really want to meet?

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